sharing your survivor story

As we look toward 2007 it may be tempting to make a resolution to stop grieving. My advice, don't do it.

Grief is not an emotion or feeling that has a valve. Grief is a result of loving someone, and then experiencing a loss. Grief is normal and should be allowed to run its course. We live in a world that says, "Your loved one died? Sure take 3 days for the funeral and grieving and then come back to work and function and pretend nothing has happened."

Real life, and death, doesn't work that way. It is okay to be grieving into another year, to be sad and feel that life has lost its sparkle for awhile.

And if you are not sharing your sorrow with someone, a counselor, a support group, friend, or family member, it may take longer. Talking about sadness helps. It hurts while you are talking (the tears may flow) but in the long run, it helps. View talking as emotional therapy. Similar to physical therapy after an injury. The physical therapy hurts, but without that pain, there would be no recovery.

Oh, and the next time someone asks you, "Isn't it about time for closure?" Tell them closure is something that happens with doors and not in loss and grief.

One resolution that may enable your healing is keeping a journal. Pouring out your feelings on paper can be cathartic. It doesn't work for everyone, but I think it helped me a lot.

By the way, I did make one New Year’s resolution for 2007--to laugh more. I don't laugh enough. Not because I'm sad, but because I take life too seriously. In fact my wife gave me some DVD's of one season of a favorite sitcom. I plan on watching and laughing. I've gone from crying most of the time to enjoying life, to laughing more. You will too, but don't rush it. Grieving well done is time well spent. Sad New Year.

The ability to laugh is something that can be lost when one is grieving. A couple of days ago I was watching TV and heard something silly and laughed out loud. The situation was a TV show called "The District" and Jack Manion (the chief of police) said to someone, "That he was a cross between Forest Gump and Rain Man, just call him Rain Forest”. Dumb humor--I know--but that is the kind I like.

The ability to laugh is a precious thing. When grief enters one's life, laughter leaves, and sometimes one can feel bad or even guilty for smiling let alone laughing.

You will laugh again, don't give up hope. What you once thought as being funny will be funny again. Your sense of humor will return. Trust me, mine has. Just give it time. Merry Christmas!

Life and death, and choosing to end one's life, is about man's (mankind’s) search for meaning. I recently read this book by Victor Frankl. My main purpose for reading his book was to learn about Logtheraphy. I am intrigued by various theories of therapy and the thinking behind them and how they work. I am even more intrigued by what the therapies were years ago compared to what we believe they are today.

The first part of the book is entitled Experiences in a Concentration Camp. Here Frankl shares his memories of a terrible time in his life when everyday was hell and a battle to survive. On page 88 we find this observation about that time. "The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity--even under the most difficult circumstances--to add deeper meaning to his life."

Today, tonight, if you are suffering, if you are experiencing your own battle for survival, be assured that out of this suffering is an opportunity for a deeper meaning. You don't have to embrace that deeper meaning now, because the pain may be too great. But at some point in the future, you will experience a moment when a realization will be yours that would not have been yours, minus this painful experience. Would you trade the future realization for the present pain? Yes of course, we all would. And, if you are suffering greatly, and may even feel angry in response to a suggestion about receiving deeper meaning in your life--that is ok too. That is how most feel when in great pain.

It is in our pain we are forced to search for new meaning in life. It is a search we would not choose, unless prodded by pain. It is my prayer that you live to embrace the new you and perhaps even write about as a Viktor Frankl did.

Cold is colder and darkness is darker. When you are in a fragile emotional state cold is colder and darkness is darker. You feel the effects more and are less resistant to how quickly either one will drag you down. Perhaps soon after your loss you noticed how cold the winter was and how dark a dark room was. You had experienced both of them before, but there was a new awareness. An unpleasant new awareness. An unsettling new awareness. This is life after loss. It won't always be so, but for now this is the new normal. This will change but for now endure it. When you can stay inside and stay warm and turn the lights on and very bright. You will survive. I did. You can too.