Friday, November 24, 2006
listening with your mind and with your heart
Are you a good listener? In order to help people you must be able to listen to what is said, what isn't said, and how it is said. Observing a person's body language or the stress in their voice is essential to listening with your mind and heart.
The only way to learn to listen is to practice, practice, and practice. Women are typically better listeners than men (sorry guys). Some have suggested that is because women are more in touch with their emotions than men are.
If you ask men how they are feeling they will typically tell you about how they are physically feeling, women will typically share how they are feeling emotionally.
How are you feeling? Yesterday was Thanksgiving, for most people in North America, were you able to feel thankful? I was.
Here is your assignment: Ask someone how their thanksgiving was, and then listen to determine if it was a lonely experience or a time of joy. How will you know? By listening very carefully of course.
The only way to learn to listen is to practice, practice, and practice. Women are typically better listeners than men (sorry guys). Some have suggested that is because women are more in touch with their emotions than men are.
If you ask men how they are feeling they will typically tell you about how they are physically feeling, women will typically share how they are feeling emotionally.
How are you feeling? Yesterday was Thanksgiving, for most people in North America, were you able to feel thankful? I was.
Here is your assignment: Ask someone how their thanksgiving was, and then listen to determine if it was a lonely experience or a time of joy. How will you know? By listening very carefully of course.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Being Thankful--Thanksgiving
At some point in the grief process a realization is made regarding the loss of a loved one. You move from thinking about how much you have lost to remembering the good times, to being thankful you had the person as long as you did. It takes awhile.
Feeling thankful doesn't mean you will never feel the loss again or cry out in pain, it just means the pain no longer overshadows every part of your life. Experiencing this takes awhile.
When the death is unexpected, the result of an injustice, or a suicide, it may take longer to be thankful. But don't give up you will get there, eventually.
I'm not sure being thankful is something you can work towards, but perhaps a by-product of grief work; perhaps the result of experiencing grief fully and then embracing the grief. I think it is also natural when the grief is first experienced to try and avoid it some, otherwise one would be overwhelmed.
Perhaps this won't be the week or the Thanksgiving or the year you begin to feel thankful, in fact it may make you angry when you read this. That is normal. That is okay. You are not me.
So for this Thanksgiving as a result of the pain, the sorrow, the tears come, let them flow. There are many tears between loss and being thankful. The tears are a sign that you loved someone very much. Don't apologize to others for your tears but wear them proudly. And, be thankful, that you loved someone with all your heart, and now that heart hurts, but is healing.
So for this thanksgiving I will say to you Dennis, my son, how much I miss being with you on the holidays; but I'm also thankful for what you taught me about life, and about death. It took me awhile.
Love you,
Dad
Feeling thankful doesn't mean you will never feel the loss again or cry out in pain, it just means the pain no longer overshadows every part of your life. Experiencing this takes awhile.
When the death is unexpected, the result of an injustice, or a suicide, it may take longer to be thankful. But don't give up you will get there, eventually.
I'm not sure being thankful is something you can work towards, but perhaps a by-product of grief work; perhaps the result of experiencing grief fully and then embracing the grief. I think it is also natural when the grief is first experienced to try and avoid it some, otherwise one would be overwhelmed.
Perhaps this won't be the week or the Thanksgiving or the year you begin to feel thankful, in fact it may make you angry when you read this. That is normal. That is okay. You are not me.
So for this Thanksgiving as a result of the pain, the sorrow, the tears come, let them flow. There are many tears between loss and being thankful. The tears are a sign that you loved someone very much. Don't apologize to others for your tears but wear them proudly. And, be thankful, that you loved someone with all your heart, and now that heart hurts, but is healing.
So for this thanksgiving I will say to you Dennis, my son, how much I miss being with you on the holidays; but I'm also thankful for what you taught me about life, and about death. It took me awhile.
Love you,
Dad
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Holidays can be Hell--or a Time of Joy
Most people view the holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, as a time of joy and thanksgiving; however, for the person who has experienced a loss it is another reminder that their loved one isn't alive.
Family traditions may have been interrupted: Dad may have always carved the turkey or cut the ham. Loved ones may have gathered at grandma’s house. Family members may have sat in certain chairs around the table. Trees were always decorated by certain family members. Gifts were exchanged between specific people. This year, all of that may have changed if there has been a death.
Instead of feeling joyful and counting one's blessings, one feels a sense of loss, a sense of loneliness. You may remember certain things about what your loved one said, did, or how he/she reacted to the holidays.
I reviewed my journal from my first Thanksgiving after the death of my son Dennis (11-23-00) and I noticed that I recorded a lot of things to be thankful for. I also noted that the pain had begun to lessen a little.
So, as you experience you first, second, third, or even tenth Thanksgiving or Christmas, keep in mind that I and many others have survived the holidays.
Holidays can be hell but they can also become a time of thankfulness and joy. For that I'm very thankful
Family traditions may have been interrupted: Dad may have always carved the turkey or cut the ham. Loved ones may have gathered at grandma’s house. Family members may have sat in certain chairs around the table. Trees were always decorated by certain family members. Gifts were exchanged between specific people. This year, all of that may have changed if there has been a death.
Instead of feeling joyful and counting one's blessings, one feels a sense of loss, a sense of loneliness. You may remember certain things about what your loved one said, did, or how he/she reacted to the holidays.
I reviewed my journal from my first Thanksgiving after the death of my son Dennis (11-23-00) and I noticed that I recorded a lot of things to be thankful for. I also noted that the pain had begun to lessen a little.
So, as you experience you first, second, third, or even tenth Thanksgiving or Christmas, keep in mind that I and many others have survived the holidays.
Holidays can be hell but they can also become a time of thankfulness and joy. For that I'm very thankful
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Last Words
Wouldn't it be great if every one got to say goodbye? It would be helpful to have the opportunity to say, "I love you, and you have meant so much to me, I will never be the same."
But alas, death is sometimes sudden and unpredictable and some people pass quickly.
Some years ago a woman came to my support group and felt guilty because she had not been with her husband when he died so that the last words he had heard were I love you. This was a woman who spent 18 hours a day at her husband's side for many months taking care of him--a person who demonstrated her love in countless ways.
On the Friday night before the Saturday night/Sunday morning my son took his life I was fortunate to have called him and ours last words were I love you. I don't know if that makes it easier, since dealing with suicide is so hard, but perhaps it helps.
So if your last words were not I love you or terms of endearment to your special person, do a very loving thing for yourself. Do something that probably your loved one would want you to do--and perhaps would say to you if he/she had the chance to say some last words. "I forgive you and I love you."
But alas, death is sometimes sudden and unpredictable and some people pass quickly.
Some years ago a woman came to my support group and felt guilty because she had not been with her husband when he died so that the last words he had heard were I love you. This was a woman who spent 18 hours a day at her husband's side for many months taking care of him--a person who demonstrated her love in countless ways.
On the Friday night before the Saturday night/Sunday morning my son took his life I was fortunate to have called him and ours last words were I love you. I don't know if that makes it easier, since dealing with suicide is so hard, but perhaps it helps.
So if your last words were not I love you or terms of endearment to your special person, do a very loving thing for yourself. Do something that probably your loved one would want you to do--and perhaps would say to you if he/she had the chance to say some last words. "I forgive you and I love you."
