Saturday, October 28, 2006
Making Sense of Suicide
I haven't made an effort to count all the books I have about suicide but I know I have a lot of them. I am the type of person who tries to learn as much as I can about something in order to deal with it.
Some of the books are written by people who lost a loved one to suicide. I can understand why a person would write a book and tell their story. Making sense of Suicide, An in-depth Look at why people kill themselves, by David Lester, PhD is one book I have. Lester indicates that every 45 seconds someone attempts it and every 16.9 minutes, someone succeeds.
It is hard to believe that in a land of plenty, so many feel so empty. But in suicide it is perception not reality that counts. It is not how much you have but how much you think you have that counts, when choosing life or death.
Lester does a good job of looking at suicide from all angles. If you are wondering why, regarding your loved one, he can provide some answers about the different theories and factors. He does an excellent job of discussing risk factors.
Risk factors: It takes awhile to get to a point in one's life where you begin to ask and understand about risk factors. The pain has to subside some before one reaches this point. I'm not sure everyone approaches understanding suicide from a desire to understand the context, as much as people want to know why their loved one took their life. I haven't decided if these two things are the same thing.
I understand why my son Dennis took his life. I understand the risk factors that were in his life. That doesn't mean I understand why it happened, but I can live with both of these.
Some of the books are written by people who lost a loved one to suicide. I can understand why a person would write a book and tell their story. Making sense of Suicide, An in-depth Look at why people kill themselves, by David Lester, PhD is one book I have. Lester indicates that every 45 seconds someone attempts it and every 16.9 minutes, someone succeeds.
It is hard to believe that in a land of plenty, so many feel so empty. But in suicide it is perception not reality that counts. It is not how much you have but how much you think you have that counts, when choosing life or death.
Lester does a good job of looking at suicide from all angles. If you are wondering why, regarding your loved one, he can provide some answers about the different theories and factors. He does an excellent job of discussing risk factors.
Risk factors: It takes awhile to get to a point in one's life where you begin to ask and understand about risk factors. The pain has to subside some before one reaches this point. I'm not sure everyone approaches understanding suicide from a desire to understand the context, as much as people want to know why their loved one took their life. I haven't decided if these two things are the same thing.
I understand why my son Dennis took his life. I understand the risk factors that were in his life. That doesn't mean I understand why it happened, but I can live with both of these.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Autopsy of a Suicidal Mind
Autopsy of a suicidal mind by Edwin S. Shneidman was just another book I read to make sense of it all. Trying to understand my son’s death and him deciding that life was no longer worth living.
Of all the things to understand perhaps that is the hardest--choosing death. Shneidman in his effort to explain the choice of death indicates on page 139 four central themes to the suicidal belief system. "Unlovability (I don't deserve to live) helplessness (I can't solve my problems) poor distress tolerance, or psychache (I can't stand the pain any more) and perceived burdensomeness (everyone would be better off if I were dead)." What a belief system!
Most people chose to do what their belief system indicates they should do. And so every 17 minutes some family experiences the unthinkable--unthinkable to the family--because they don't have that belief. Maybe the belief has crossed their mind, but they were strong enough, felt loved enough, and were able to tolerate the pain, or felt they had something to contribute. Perhaps they have never thought of suicide as an option. Many people told me after my son’s death, in an effort to comfort me, that they had considered suicide at some point in their life; that my son's choice wasn't so strange and abnormal. I'm not sure I was comforted. I did appreciate that they cared.
I think in understanding why someone would choose suicide--if that is possible--that we need to understand that it was the belief system, distorted as it was, that made the choice to stop living. To stop their pain. To begin our pain.
The book was a gift in December of 2004. My pain is much less today than it was in 2004. My belief system tells me that life is good. I hope your life will be good again too--one day--just don't stop believing.
Of all the things to understand perhaps that is the hardest--choosing death. Shneidman in his effort to explain the choice of death indicates on page 139 four central themes to the suicidal belief system. "Unlovability (I don't deserve to live) helplessness (I can't solve my problems) poor distress tolerance, or psychache (I can't stand the pain any more) and perceived burdensomeness (everyone would be better off if I were dead)." What a belief system!
Most people chose to do what their belief system indicates they should do. And so every 17 minutes some family experiences the unthinkable--unthinkable to the family--because they don't have that belief. Maybe the belief has crossed their mind, but they were strong enough, felt loved enough, and were able to tolerate the pain, or felt they had something to contribute. Perhaps they have never thought of suicide as an option. Many people told me after my son’s death, in an effort to comfort me, that they had considered suicide at some point in their life; that my son's choice wasn't so strange and abnormal. I'm not sure I was comforted. I did appreciate that they cared.
I think in understanding why someone would choose suicide--if that is possible--that we need to understand that it was the belief system, distorted as it was, that made the choice to stop living. To stop their pain. To begin our pain.
The book was a gift in December of 2004. My pain is much less today than it was in 2004. My belief system tells me that life is good. I hope your life will be good again too--one day--just don't stop believing.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Their absence is a constant presence
This is a statement said in a support group meeting. It is especially true for husbands and wives who mates die. Everything is a constant reminder that their wife or husband is gone. The meals---the bed at night. Their favorite restaurant or TV show. The reminder is overwhelming at times. Holidays and birthday and anniversaries all are reminders. Family reunions and mail that comes addressed to the deceased. At some point the memories become less painful and bring a smile--but it takes awhile. Their absence is a constant presence. How true!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
a new awareness
I missed last weeks post because of illness. I don't feel that well today, but I will take a moment to share a thought.
When tragedy strikes it can transform and change us. Tragedy can create a new awareness. I would encourage you to not look at the past in anger, although you will be angry some of the time. I would encourage you to not look at the future in fear, although you will be fearful some of the time. But look at the present with a new awareness of how fragile and how precious life really is.
Now please don't misunderstand. You will spend a lot of time thinking about the past; about what was, how things were--before. You will also spend a lot of time thinking about the future and how it has been changed--forever.
But I would encourage you, when you no longer hurt every minute of the day, and the light at the end of the tunnel no longer appears to be an on-coming train--to make a deliberate choice.
I would encourage you to live your life based on a new knowledge, a new awareness, born out of pain and tears but with an understanding of what really is important in life. This is a much better choice than to be angry or fearful.
When tragedy strikes it can transform and change us. Tragedy can create a new awareness. I would encourage you to not look at the past in anger, although you will be angry some of the time. I would encourage you to not look at the future in fear, although you will be fearful some of the time. But look at the present with a new awareness of how fragile and how precious life really is.
Now please don't misunderstand. You will spend a lot of time thinking about the past; about what was, how things were--before. You will also spend a lot of time thinking about the future and how it has been changed--forever.
But I would encourage you, when you no longer hurt every minute of the day, and the light at the end of the tunnel no longer appears to be an on-coming train--to make a deliberate choice.
I would encourage you to live your life based on a new knowledge, a new awareness, born out of pain and tears but with an understanding of what really is important in life. This is a much better choice than to be angry or fearful.
